Indian Monsoon

Wind has picked up its pace,

Cloudy & dark sky has tamed down the summer heat,

Dusts & sands are racing in the atmosphere,

There’s a strange calmness over that long distance horizon,

Fields are readying to take their first shower,

A cool breeze in the atmosphere is readily refreshing.

Droplets of water start to pour from the sky,

Thirsty ground in most welcoming way soak them,

A fragrance of wet soil has quickly spread around,

A chemistry of released heat & fragrance of the soil is at work now,

Speeding showers have announced the arrival of south west Indian monsoon,

Environment around is embracing this first rain fully – the beginning of the monsoon.

Nature has now worn a greener looker & atmosphere around has been freshly bathed,

After half an hour of shower, it has stopped for now,

But it will come anytime from now on, to feed the nature & to lighten us,

Blue sky midst the clouds paints a beautiful landscape,

A reminder of beauty in simple things & priceless gifts of mother nature.

To my 25 years old self

Dear 25th year old self ( as you turned a quarter century old today on 12th June 2022),

Remember, sometimes not even a single person can be around in times you need them most , not even those who you consider special, because in the most unintentional ways they have their own needs & lives to attend to. So continue to embody the spirit of a warrior & a stoic. It’s only through such trials that your strengths are be forged. Remember you have been built on such ground.

Learn to slow down & be soft on yourself sometimes because you will mostly stand alone. So stay strong & help yourself to endure because you’re working to make an indelible mark.

These 2 years ( 25 th & 26 years of your life) will be really crucial for your dream of IAS. So you can only rightly enjoy life fuller after you get into Indian Administrative Service :). Let sincerity & accountability with self be the yardstick of your success ( a joy which you will find everyday & at every moment of your existence when you’re giving in everything & when you’re truthful with yourself).

Fall back on your fundamentals whenever self-doubt arises. These fundamentals are – getting a good sleep, eating healthy, running, blogging/ writing, reading, focusing on basics of my UPSC preparations ( Syllabus, PYQs, notes , minimum resources & maximum revision) , slowing down to introspect , mindful breathing & focussing on where you can realistically control & act. Most importantly, Be Yourself !!

Some things you have to leave on to faith/ universe/ God/ higher Power.

With love,

Inner Warrior

Heavy heart , silent tears : Moving forward

I am introspecting from a silent corner in a train journey as a solo traveller. With every wheel steering forward, my battle with emotions & myself gradually peak(s) up.

I have made hard choice of pursuing my UPSC dream & bold decision of not going to home but instead to Madhya Pradesh ( right after my internship) for work ( a complete new state with no one known there).

Leaving Jodhpur ( Rajasthan) after almost 6 years feels heavy at heart. Afterall it had become my second home & relationships built there are rooted deeply in these years.

I am taking with myself some skills & knowledge of a doctor, beautiful memories, deep friendships & true relationships.

These 5.5 years of MBBS in Jodhpur had been more a race than a journey. We were all running even without knowing. Being hard pressed for time we had to steal away time to create memories & to be in each other’s company. And when all these were over & finally felt like we could give time for others, life abruptly set us apart in our different paths. So our personal journies are what we have ; in all trials, tribulations & emotional roller coaster.

Kuch gehra sannata hai, kuch ankahi majbhuri hai. Aye zindagi, manzil ko talash-te, aur kitne dukh sehna parega.
Kuch apna nirnai hai, toh kuch takdeer meh likha hai shayad.

In many silent moments I shed silent & distant tears of leaving my people behind. And in trying to stay strong I hide my emotions behind smile & laughter, but deep within I am weeping.

Rush, Heat, Struggles & Life : Feeling the Odds

In search for stability I realised what it means to push limits & what it takes to get things done fast.
Long waits for Professors to sign intern log book for completion, visiting college office repeatedly for documentations & clearances are formal aspects of procedures for leaving a medical college ( after completing internship).
At mental & psychological levels there’s a certain kind of mid-life crisis , to look for work especially that I know that I won’t pursue PG.

Last 4 days i.e., between 9 – 12 May, 2022, have been both physically draining & psychologically/ mentally exhausting but the but outcome is that my college related document works ( ICC & NOCs) got done in a short time.

Jaipur had it’s own sets of challenges. Hemant & I had to a hard time looking for my UPSC materials. Thankfully I got them without having to go to Delhi. Returning back from Jaipur in bus I suffered from heat, dehydration ( couldn’t buy water as I didn’t have cash) & travel sickness.

In introspection, I realise that if you rush to get things there will be resistance. And odds are inescapable even when things are going your way. People are reasonable in themselves to choose to take longer time to get to their works done.

Does numbers matter ? Reading 36 newspapers in 3 days

In retrospection I realise that around 6 months back it would take me nearly 4 hours to finish off reading both ‘The Indian Express ‘ & ‘ The Hindu ‘.

Now, 6 months down the line, with the resolve to clear my backlogs, I could read the 18 days newspapers ( both ‘ The Indian Express ‘ & ‘ The Hindu ) in a matter of 3 days.

It is also true that in all these 3 days just read the newspapers with all the free time available & didn’t do anything else.

Definitely selective reading ( UPSC syllabus oriented issues & discussions) was the key 🗝️ and skimming through headlines & between the lines of articles helped a lot to filter the junks & unnecessary chunks.

Clipping important articles & discussions and saving them in my folders would hopefully ensure that I can revise & review them on time.

So does all these numbers really matter ?

To say the least, I learnt the art to read more in less time.
On a philosophical note, it’s always about having the courage to plunge through the unknown & uncertain ; if you are determined to get things done you will do no matter what.

Purely and solely, my very own personal journey

Embarking on a journey which is more uncertain and less rewarding in material / monetary terms, especially if you are a doctor ( or have a job stability & security), is more than just pursuing a childhood dream.

When your goals expects you to forgo a big part of your existence & when your result demands you to give in almost everything you have. Then you seriously heed to your life and are compelled to think really hard about your premises & genuine reasons to sustain your efforts.
So basically the very ‘dream ‘ is at question !!

For me, a life of purpose, a sense of justice with myself & a spirit of public service, by being a positive change in the pursuit of justice, as a civil servant are my fundamental reasons to go towards UPSC ( IAS). In these reasons I find an anchor ⚓ midst the constant storms of preparations & tests of time.

Finding the right balance

Anthropology video lectures & notes, newspapers, answer writing practice versus the rest of my world ( friends, family, internship, distractions, disturbances & whole lot of emotional & mental turbulences) are precisely what I need to strike a balance at.

I always strive to focus on taking one day at a time. Slowing down always helps to calm myself down & reorient / redirect towards my priorities.

My sense of justice with my day & time , in terms of giving my everything towards my IAS dream , is what matters the most to me at the end of the day.

Destination / score will take care of itself.

There is however a constant sense of joy & assurance, even midst the momentary lapses & challenges, because I am doing what I have waited for a very long time ; preparing for my UPSC IAS dream.

Dreams can be both near & far from being materialised. It’s on me, in so many controllable ways, to live it in near future or leave it to the distant future.

Beauty in being Empty

There’s a peace which penetrates even the deepest melancholy,

There’s a lightness which floats on the air of just the present moment & nothing more,

There’s a love which cries because something really hard & buried deep has been shattered & been opened,

There’s a road which seems like an end point but also point towards beginning of a new way,

Tears flow to wash away whatever was left from within & without,

In this fresh flow of air there’s a sense of being lost from someone who was never yours.

I know that I must go because flowing is my life source,

Let me feel this deep sorrow ; an indicator of an end or harbinger of a beginning,

I will drown here for a while ; feel it, live it fully but only for a transient moment,

Because I must go, I must flow, I must move,

Life !! that’s all I have as a short traveller of time,

Time ? . You will count me when you look back,

In flow with feelings & in deepest parts of emotions you will find me.

Winds that bring tears

Moist wind is blowing outside & there is a strange melancholy that’s brewing within me.

My friend, you have been distanced from us for a year now. Life & time have healed so much of trauma that your irreversible act caused. But still many times I very much miss you & wish that you were around.

Things would have been so much different if you were with us. Might be you would have been married by now. Medical internship might have brought you its own challenges but you would have thoroughly loved it.

Because you are in a different realm now, I pray that you be at peace wherever you are. I still cherish our friendship & journey together as brief travellers of time on Earth.

Many of your good values have been rubbed in my heart & I will take them for a lifetime. One thing that I wish to tell you is that you are irreplaceable & the void you left is not filled. Since you left, I really couldn’t fall so blindly on others as my go to person.

We are ever connected by our energies in whichever time & space we are. We will meet again that is certain, my friend.

Storms within

I am racing with time ; trying to not lose my own sanity while journeying on the train of daily intensive study.
Life is demanding both patience & calmness with wisdom to slow down when required.
I always wake up these days loving truly what I do. That’s the beauty of chasing your life’s dream ; no matter what the path presents & how much uncertain future tries to haunt, you are unmoved by all of these. There is a strong passion & will that drives me forward.

I am focused more in taking one day at a time & in taking control of things under my own hands. Tomorrow will take care of itself.

I just want to stick with my daily goals. Being myself & accepting my flaws & limitations have always empowered me without fail.

Hope is my anchor & my undying Optimism my strength.